Want for light

Its dark at this hour of night. Its just not the night that's dark, its more than that. It encompasses my perceived vision, my thoughts and my steak of hope. What I have heard for just that thing asked - is a laugh, a smile or are you crazy.

life's not been a roller coaster but still there are a lot of apprehensions, lot of inhibition and they do not go easily - adding to that darkness I see. Or should I say what all I don't see. I have colored glasses on and I don't want to take them off. I love what I see and want to believe the same. Its funny - I know am wearing glasses but then want to live with them anyways....Crazy ways.

Cant go down, cant go up, its a virtual stagnation of emotions. Ah... Me , but why do I pity myself - I only choose this ; nobody asked me to. Cant blame you or anyone for that matter, its just me and I need to get out of this labyrinth; Need to get out of this emotional rut.

Need to force myself to throw those glasses away- to face the light - of whatever is there, may be just the moon and stars - but yes need to face it. Need to resurrect all over again and learn from the phoenix. Need to see the light but for now the glasses are still on and they have a hope. The same colored light will shine, a streak will come to dispel the gloom.

Hey light, hey life - are you listening...There.

The Gang was here...again

After a long layoff - I am back to writing here. Had something to share and write beyond the mundane daily-grind. Had a sort of reunion with friends from my college days, some I had not met for over a year, the notorious gang which could just go to any extent and I am sure still can...

As we all started to gather, the first person to be there was LKT(Harish) with his fiancee Tina and must confess they make a nice couple... not sure how this dud landed with such a girl - just kidding. Harish is one of the very good human souls that you would love being with...atleast I do. Enjoy buddy.

Amidst our babble, bombed in Gangu(Rajdeep Ganguly). He was there with Sharmista(his wife) whom again I was meeting for the first time after their marriage at the end of last month. As is usual, we ditched him by first promising and then canceling our trip to Kolkatta for his wedding. Again - Happy married life to you Gangu.

Soon the other members of the gang trickled in - Raveesh, Ladoo, Dey with Maneet(She was one of our college juniors), Priya with Mona(her sis), Ankit with Anjali(his wife) and their beautiful little daughter and again we started our babble, went for dinner and then for a stroll to India Gate, and as is the norm the topic had to be me at the end and my .... . (Not to be shared in public yet) I am at it folks... wish me luck. I need that badly.

Ah...an evening rekindling all the bitter sweet moments, an evening so nice and alas it had to end... it was short but sweet. Will touch on this topic soon... Adieu

Varied pace of life

There are days when life is so fast that you hardly notice timefly...day has hardly got a few moments for you to breath and then there are times when you have time, to feel your own breath, hear your own heart beat and talk to yourself. Time when you are your own company and trust me, its a lovely feeling... These moments are so rare that you just want to cherish them but yes the short they are sweeter they seem.

Having raced through time for the last month or so, today had time to reflect. No mood swings today, just plain time; all to myself. Every breath was so relaxed, so by itself unaware that the next one is waiting for it to complete. A fresh whiff of air waiting to fill my lungs, freshness filling my soul.

A day when every second was thinking and asking me before it moved, not sure from where time got so much lease at hand. Time wanted to enjoy my solitude today, it wanted to stay with me for company and I dint mind it either. A companion who could tell me what I did wrong, when I hurt others and I know there were many instances. Many instances to never ever be repeated and will make an effort for the same... Not sure can change self so fast but yes the effort will be there.

Had some pleasant things to reflect back on. Its a different kind of joy when you know you are finally heading home. Even when you are paying a price for the same, but then nothing can be more precious than time with your family your dearones and felt this when a colleague was heading home after an extended stay of over 1.5 years. Remembered the time when I first left home, for a long time and could not get over that feeling of leaving home, leaving my city that in the morning kept driving across the roads, feeling my home, my city for as long as I could afford to. But then each of these steps are required and need to be taken to feel the joy of homecoming, to take a step towards home and am headed the same way...

Few more days

Few days have passed since I first posted here, few days have passed since I knew what I was upto. Lost in wilderness of the numerous passing moments, am dumstuck here not knowing what to do and what to say.

My wait for life has been long; know this is a relative term - but with each passing day, it keeps getting longer. Its not the pain which bothers, its just the indifference that does. Well each one has his/her own take on life and so does my life.

I stand in a crowd...in midst of people, I know. People who call themselves friends, but still there is a lot of solitude, a lot of pain, a need for a hand, need for that one shoulder. Do I realize that wants are endless...what if I were to want you and may be this is my want and not my need but that's the emotion that builds in me - that's the emotion that creeps every now and then, on every moment I try to live, I try to cry. But then its a passing phase, another drop of emotion, of experience in this vast ocean of beats I have in my heart.

Yes, the wait seems a little bit more longer, a bit more taxing - I know it will be worth it. I have maybe a few more days to wait - wait for life and I know its coming, its round the corner, at the end of this tunnel and I have a hope - this tunnel is not very long.

First step...

Ah...Just took another step; this time into the world of blogs. Found this to be a good vent :-) for things sometimes said, sometimes not. Was never sure if I would ever blog, but here I am in this uncharted territory and for the reasons still unsure. Just that feelings are sometimes so elusive to yourself that you don't know what you are going through

Well before I go along, something about myself, having done my graduation in IT and now in this profession for more than five years, am still not sure what and when got hooked on this world of abstraction. May be its since the day I got to write my first program while was about 10 years old or a few years before that when first sighted this computer and bombed the operator with so many questions that he had to finally force me away.

While in school, tried to run away from this machine but found myself coming back for more. Have no regrets at choosing IT over Armed Forces where was selected to be a commissioned officer, no regrets of leaving big brand colleges for this...Just a feeling of satisfaction, enjoying work I like best

Back to where I started, what to blog....
Here, there's nothing but plains thoughts, unedited - sorry minimal editing, direct... just that they are still incomplete... Still needing another step

There is an enormous amount of incompleteness in all I do and write...Not sure why this is so, may be for me life's still incomplete, lot of hollowness all around... May be.... I once had a thought on this... Of what little I still remember

I would love to have
something somewhere
just incomplete
cause incomplete
is life, this very breath
incomplete this line, this ....